Senior Shares Where to Go When You Have to Go
~ The Indisputable Ranking of Athenian’s Bathrooms ~
Often, we don’t pay much mind to the in-between parts of our days: driving home, walking to class, waiting in the lunch line, or using the bathroom. Though these moments are never very memorable, they certainly have the potential to ruin one's day, as anyone who’s tried to use the gym bathroom—or even worse, the middle school locker room bathrooms—can tell you.
As a Senior going on five years at Athenian, I have experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly of Athenian lavatories. After careful consultation with other students, I have curated a definitive ranking of Athenian’s restrooms.
This ranking is based on the accessibility, cleanliness, maintenance, size, and most importantly, the atmosphere of each bathroom
(TIE) 11. Middle School Locker Room
0/10
Do not enter this bathroom. Do not enter it if dared. Do not enter it if you have to change your clothes. Don’t do it!
There’s a reason this bathroom has a 0/10. Anything a bathroom can do wrong, it does wrong. It reeks of middle school PE students (and Axe body spray on the men’s side), and you have to walk through the changing room to get to the bathroom. The entire restroom looks like the set of a Saw movie, the stall doors barely function, and the faucets frequently stop working.
This bathroom also has the distinction of being the only Men’s restroom without urinal dividers, though it’s not much of a problem because no one else ever uses it.
(TIE) 11. Middle School Gym Multi-Use Bathroom
0/10
If you take anything away from this ranking, it’s that the Middle School Gym is the worst. In some ways, this bathroom is better than its changing room counterpart, but in others, it’s much worse.
For starters, this bathroom has a PIN lock, and nobody except regular sports players and former middle schoolers know the code. It creates an insane situation where one person will unlock it, and then everyone else will wait for them to get out because they don’t know the code; while taking the AP Calculus AB exam in the gym, a chain of 10-15 people used the bathroom while only one person knew the code. Why is the code still there? What’s the point? Not only is this the only bathroom with a code, not only is the code-less middle school locker room right next door, but it’s also not an outward-facing bathroom; you have to enter a lockable door to get to it. It’s not deterring anyone!
Beyond that, how’s the quality of the bathroom? Well, it’s horrible, thanks for asking. There’s one barely functioning faucet, a cracked mirror, two crusty toilets, and the same Saw movie-style design. Hilariously, these are the only two bathrooms in the middle school, and they’re both zero out of ten.
Like the previous bathroom, avoid it if you can. But if you’re at a game, and you have to choose one, at least choose the one that’s not in a middle school changing room.
10. Old Science Building Gender Neutral Bathroom (LEFT SIDE!)
1/10
Spoiler alert: The right-side science bathroom is ranked number 3 on this list. The bathroom less than a foot away is an 8/10. So what on earth happened here?
Well, this bathroom is about on par with a middle school bathroom, with claustrophobia! It’s short and you can touch both walls with your hands easily. It has an older design for its lock, sink, and toilet when compared to its neighbor; worst of all, it’s a sickly yellow color, with gross orange tiles and harsh light. For an added touch, when you walk out of this bathroom, you’ll be face to face with the 6-foot window in the Envi-Sci classroom, so wave to the 9th graders taking Physics after you finish doing your business!
(TIE) 8. Knoll Gender Neutral Bathroom
4/10
This is the first restroom I’d say isn’t a soul-crushing experience to visit. It’s still not great though. To start, the sink has absolutely insane water pressure. If a student attempts to turn the faucet on by pulling it all the way up, water hits the basin of the sink so hard it will splash all over their shirt. Using this sink incorrectly is practically a rite of passage at this point.
The bathroom is also strangely unclean, and I mean no disrespect to Athenian’s incredible staff. I just have a sneaking suspicion that a lot of freshmen use this bathroom, seeing as it’s right next to many first-year classes; nearly every time I visited there was toilet paper strewn about, puddles of water, or soap on the floor.
Worst of all, the bathroom sometimes fails at its most basic job: privacy. The lock is hit or miss, and sometimes stops working; the door also swells in hotter months, making it impossible to close. Beyond these gripes, the bathroom isn’t awful. It has a bland but inoffensive tile color palette and is located right next to the knoll classrooms, making it very convenient in between classes.
(TIE) 8. CFTA Dance Gender Neutral Bathroom
4/10
It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why this bathroom doesn’t work. It might be the weird stool that’s always sitting in the middle of it, or the lock that doesn’t ever seem to click, or the way the walls are so thin the entire downstairs of the CFTA knows when you’ve flushed. It also might be its location. It’s so hidden that even ceramics students next door might not know about it for months.
The atmosphere also isn’t incredible. There’s no natural light and the curved plastic flooring and walling is very 90s. But as a bathroom, it does everything it has to; it gets a passing grade, but only because it technically did everything on the rubric.
7. Main Hall Multi-use Bathroom
5/10
Despite getting a 5/10, a perfectly average score, nothing is average about this bathroom. Some parts are great, while others are worse than the bathrooms that preceded it.
Let’s start with the bad. It’s always crowded, and it’s a rarity to not see freshmen getting into an argument in front of the hand dryer. The stalls have large cracks and most don’t lock—one faucet didn’t work for an entire year in the men's restroom. Sometimes it’s clean, but other times the sink is filled with someone’s lunch remnants, or the counter is covered in hand soap; one pities the staff member who has to clean up some crazy kid’s mess.
On the other hand, these bathrooms are big. They’re built to accommodate a lunch crowd, with at least two times as many sinks and stalls when compared to the second-largest bathroom. Additionally, these bathrooms are modern, with some of the best designs in any Athenian bathroom. While it’s a bit bland, it’s certainly classy.
6. Main Hall Gender Neutral Bathroom
5.5/10
These bathrooms are a victim of their popularity. On their own, they’re probably some of the best Athenian has to offer, but they’re full 90% of the time, and there’s often a line for them clogging the hallway. People seem to use these rooms as their own personal office, doing who knows what for extended periods of time. Their popularity also means that they’re often a mess, and they always feel (and smell) unclean.
Objectively, they’re well-designed. They have an occupied sign on the handle (though the sign seems to be broken, it’s almost always stuck on occupied!), a modern design with beautiful tiles, thick walls, and the most room in any gender-neutral bathroom.
5. New Science Building Gender Neutral Bathroom (on the east lawn)
6/10
This bathroom seems to hide in plain sight. During lunch, most students opt to use the Main Hall restrooms, while this gem is often just steps away, and much more private. It’s completely isolated and often available. In between classes, it’s the easiest bathroom to use, especially if one is trying to cross campus.
Its design is basic— it’s very similar to the Knoll gender-neutral bathroom but without any of that bathroom’s problems. It’s completely silent inside, always clean, and has a normal amount of water pressure. Before trying Main Hall gender-neutral bathrooms for the 20th time, give this one a try!
4. CFTA Upstairs Multi-use Bathroom
6.5/10
The CFTA has a certain charm that takes some getting used to. Yes, it has an old 90s style and this bathroom is no different; but this bathroom is also by far the cleanest bathroom as a result of its lack of use. It’s always available, and decently large. If you want a classic bathroom experience with no interruptions, try the CFTA!
However, this restroom has its faults, and they’re rather obvious. It has the same gross plastic flooring and walling, but more importantly, it’s too far to be used by anyone not already in the CFTA.
Still, the stalls are private, there’s a nice window breaking up the plastic surrounding you, and it’s always clean.
3. Old Science Building Gender Neutral Bathroom (RIGHT SIDE!)
8/10
This Old Science Building bathroom is significantly better than its weird younger sibling next door. It fixes everything wrong with the left-side bathroom, but also adds so much more. It’s large—roomy enough for it to function as a miniature bedroom—it’s clean, it doesn’t face the Envi-Sci classroom, and it has a newer sink, lock, and toilet.
But that’s not the best part. This restroom has the most tasteful design at Athenian. It has a cool gray color scheme, with matching wall and floor tiles. It’s reminiscent of a modern home bathroom design, and that’s what I like most about this bathroom; I feel at home in this bathroom.
The only real drawback is a concerningly large hole in the roof, which I somehow never noticed until writing this review.
2. Bradford Library Gender Neutral Bathrooms
9.5/10
These bathrooms are the pinnacle of gender-neutral bathrooms, and most students have never heard of them! When one enters either bathroom, they’re greeted with full-sized paintings, book recommendations on the wall, and lots of natural light coming in from the windows above. They’re consistently available, the only bathrooms near the Middlefield classrooms, and the only gender-neutral bathrooms anywhere near South Lawn. Not only that, they’re in a quiet space (the library) and relatively secluded, so everyone doesn’t see you enter and exit.
This bathroom isn’t perfect, though. First, the natural light is nice on a sunny day, but on a darker day, the bathroom’s electronic light just doesn’t cut it. The floor tiling—bland 2-inch squares—also takes away from the aesthetic.
1. Dase Center Multi-use Bathrooms
10/10
These bathrooms are the only great multi-use bathrooms Athenian offers, and it’s not even close. There are never any malfunctioning faucets or clogged toilets, no sophomores having a discussion in front of the paper towel machine, or broken stall locks. The stalls have nice private doors without wide cracks (I’m looking at you, Main Hall bathrooms). The slightly reflective floor and the dark-colored walls are reminiscent of a bathroom at a nice restaurant.
The bathrooms are laid out with tons of space to walk around; the ceilings are high, and there’s a permanently opened window on one wall airing out the room. It’s impossible to feel claustrophobic here. Even better, almost no one uses this bathroom, meaning it’s always open. On top of that, during D period A-train and the Howlers can be heard practicing, enhancing this already stellar experience.
