I Listened to the Billboard Top 10 So You Don’t Have To…
Photo Credits: Jamie Lamor Thompson / Shutterstock.com
By Gianna Beltramo
Hello and welcome to my column! I’m Gianna and I have frequently wondered what is going on in the world of popular music, and this is my attempt to figure it out. Every other week (and yes, I know that the Billboard lists update on Tuesday, which is highly unfortunate because it means that I’m doomed to forever be at least a week behind), I will be rating the top songs in the US as well as dishing out a steaming hot plate of commentary. (Please note that in the event that the Billboard doesn’t change that much, I might also do some music video reviews or something else on the side to spice things up a bit. On a similar note, when I was reviewing the songs, I did not watch the music videos to stop that from influencing anything. This is about the music.)
10. I Hope - Gabby Barrett feat. Charlie Puth
I enjoyed this song so much that it made me forget that I was supposed to actually be thinking intelligently about it and I ended up fiddling with a slinky and trying to remember what I dreamt about last night. It is delightful. The way it sounds like a country song while also not sounding like a country song… And the Charlie Puth part actually added something to the song, unlike other collaborations on this list. I think that they’re a lovely duo. Puth’s background vocals during the last chorus are an excellent example of that statement. And speaking of the chorus, I like the way the verses sort of slowly build up to her shouting at me (not an insult). Honestly, this song is so good that I’m struggling to write it because it’s all just so seamless and perfect and I can’t think of individual things to point out. I’m giving it a 91/100, but don’t let this fool you into thinking I’m going to be giving all these songs good ratings.
9. Savage Love (Laxed - Siren Beat) - Jawsh 685 and Jason Derulo
When I first saw the title, I thought it said Jewish and I was very confused. I still don’t get it, but it made even less sense before. This has nothing at all to do with the song, but I thought it was interesting, much like the song itself. It sounds pretty unique; I like the alternating bass line, and the chords played on the backbeat during the chorus are nice. This song does not belong to any of the genres of music that I consider to be part of my musical taste, but nonetheless it is a good song and you don’t have to like something to be able to appreciate its quality. It doesn’t sound like every other pop song in existence, which is cool, and there are a lot of different parts to it that in theory don’t seem like they would work together but in this song, they flow together well. I’ll give this one an 81/100.
8. Watermelon Sugar - Harry Styles
Ah yes, this song. I actually did some research for this one. Did you know that one 280g serving of watermelon contains approximately 17g of sugar, which means that about 6.1% of a watermelon is sugar? (The rest of it is water, save for a mysterious 2% of the total melon.) That’s not really relevant, but could be useful in a game of trivia.
I know that I’m going to offend people, so let’s not dilly-dally here. I really don’t like this song. Intentionally listening to it was physically painful, and I kept getting distracted by the fact that Harry Styles is wearing drop-front pants in the album art (rep that Regency attire!). Objectively, it’s not that bad, but it’s always playing on at least three radio stations at any given time and its repetitiveness certainly doesn’t do it any favors. Really, I have no idea how it took four people to write this song. The truth of the matter is this: it’s a nice summer/beach song, some pop music to dance to or whatever, but it’s far too overplayed. (It is, however, vaguely impressive that it’s been on the charts for half a year now.) Because I’m feeling generous (and also very scared of the crazed fans), I’ll call it a 64/100.
7. Blinding Lights - The Weeknd
I like this one a lot, though I’m not sure whether it’s because my brain actually thinks it sounds nice or because I’ve heard it so many times that I inevitably started liking it. It’s a common occurrence. I don’t really like other songs by the Weeknd, but this one is just excellent. The riff? Flawless. I’ve never found electric, non-organic sounding music to be my cup of tea, but this song has definitely won me over. It’s the little things you notice that makes it so great. For instance, I quite enjoy the transition from the verse to the pre-chorus, as well as from the pre-chorus to the chorus. It all happens in the space of fractions of a second, but they just work so well to tie the whole song together. And don’t even get me started on the lil techno accent bits happening in the background of the choruses! I don’t think it happens every time, but if you’re listening, you’ll notice it. When you’re listening very intensely (as I was throughout this process), you tend to notice a lot of fun details, and this song is a gold mine when it comes to that sort of thing. It’s an easy 95/100.
6. Rockstar - DaBaby feat. Roddy Ricch
As I was making my way down this list, I began to read the YouTube comments in search of the apparently mandatory YouTube comment saying “only people who didn’t come from TikTok can like this comment” and that made me wonder: are all these songs really only so widespread because of TikTok (and if so, what does that say about our cultural dependence on TikTok)? Do TikTokkers take every song in existence and put them in a TikTok, or is this merely a trick to get likes on their comments? Jokes aside, there’s nothing really special about this one; it sounds like pretty much every other song ever played on the rap station. (Am I the only person who listens to the radio? Probably.) Anyways, I don’t like rap, and I’m calling this an opinion piece, so: 66/100.
5. Mood - 24kGoldn feat. Iann Dior
Surprisingly, all the songs on this list that I enjoyed are the ones I assumed right off the bat that I wouldn’t. It’s a pleasant surprise. “Mood” is a simple song without being the same five seconds over and over again for three minutes and the riff is interesting. I like the blend of genres, with the hip-hop lyrics and beat combined with the sort of sound one would expect from an alt-rock song (albeit an odd one). The clicking noise during the chorus stresses me out because it sounds like an excessively fast metronome - but maybe I’m being overdramatic. It’s a chill song—good vibes. 87/100.
4. Laugh Now Cry Later - Drake
Of all the songs on this list, this was probably the biggest surprise for me because I actually liked it. The instrumentals were pleasant, though they did get a bit old after a while. Admittedly, I am far from a rap fan, but this song is catchy. It’s pretty easy to listen to and it might make good study music after you’ve listened to it enough times that you’re not really paying attention to it anymore. It was slow without being depressing, but also not so fast that it’s obnoxious. I’m a big fan of non-sad slow music, though I suppose this one still is kind of sad. But what’s important is that it doesn’t sound sad. I’m also a big fan of sad songs that have non-sad instrumentals. What can I say, I like the contrast. I’ll give it an 89/100.
3. Holy - Justin Bieber feat. Chance The Rapper
Picture this: I, someone who is far from a Justin Bieber fan (to put it nicely), have just typed in the title of the song in question. As I skim the list of YouTube search results, I ask myself, “Why did this man make nine videos about the same song?” I am not merely speaking of various music channels that all post “lyric videos” or the like. The official Justin Bieber YouTube channel itself has really been spamming the Holy content lately. It makes a person wonder if the people in charge of his YouTube channel know that it’s getting a bit excessive. But—on to the song. It’s an interesting vibe, and sounds familiar, but I can’t place quite what it sounds like. *wild hand gestures* It sounds like that. The song is all right, in my opinion. Sad piano, hip-hop, et cetera. I don’t like it, but it’s not a bad song. However, it definitely did not benefit from the addition of the rap bit, which I could go so far as to call “not good.” In fact, I probably would have given it a better rating if it didn’t have that part. I’m starting to notice a theme in Justin Bieber’s music: repetition. I’m still scarred from “Yummy.” 68/100.
2. WAP - Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion
This song reminds me of how people are so obsessed with staring at car wrecks; they’re horrified, but they also can’t bring themselves to look away. That is not to say that this is necessarily a bad song; at the very least, it’s not deserving of the whole car wreck comparison. Just...wow. In the words of one YouTube commenter, “this makes Anaconda seem like a Christian song.” I’m very glad that it’s only three minutes because the whole time I was listening, I was thinking only about how disappointed my mother would be. I have, in fact, listened to this song numerous times, if only to convince myself that such a thing actually exists on the Internet. In terms of mechanics, the instrumental track is very simple and repetitive, as the song is (quite predictably) centered around the lyrics and the rhythm of the singing/rapping. To be fair, however, if you’re listening to this, I don’t really think it’s because you’re looking to hear some incredible guitar solo. They do compliment the vocals, drawing you into the song. I really enjoyed the copious number of puns in the lyrics, and I do wonder if the bit about macaroni was inspired by that one Vine containing similar themes. Overall, I’d give it a 77/100.
1. Dynamite - BTS
This was the first K-pop song I’ve ever listened to, and it was kind of underwhelming. It was peppy, and is good motivational music, but there are countless songs of the exact same style and it’s very forgettable. It’s the kind of music you’d listen to only while doing something else, such as working out, trying to wake up in the morning, having a dance party, or something similar. To quote the notes I took while listening, this song “kind of reminds me of [list of 2010’s songs that are the exact same genre],” and that genre is known as bubblegum pop. All in all, this song was much less entertaining than...others...on this list. It definitely doesn’t deserve its #1 spot. The fact that it was in an ad for a Samsung phone I saw last night only proves my point. Everything that is interesting or good about this song is very formulaic; it’s good because similar (or dare I say the exact same) things have been done hundreds of times to the point where it has become a legitimate science. My score: 70/100.
A Cumulative Ranking
(Songs are ranked on a scale of 1/100 based on how much I personally liked them, as well as whatever comments on the actual quality of the music I made.)
Blinding Lights - 95 (A)
I Hope - 91 (A-)
Laugh Now Cry Later - 89 (B+)
Mood - 87 (B)
Savage Love - 81 (B-)
WAP - 77 (C)
Dynamite - 70 (C-)
I Hope - 68 (D+)
Rockstar - 66 (D)
Watermelon Sugar - 64 (D)
