Satire: The Athenian Farm Plan
Athenian, I come to you as a fellow student outraged over the (seemingly never-ending) Meatless Monday controversy. Though there is strong support for Meatless Monday among groups like the Veggie Club, many others firmly oppose it and have called for either a Beefless Monday or a Complete Removal of Any Special Monday menu. Community Meeting proposals have been discussed, and arguments have been had via social media, but that all ends today.
Naturally, this proposal falls in line with Athenian’s cherished environmentalism Pillar and our devotion to clean energy, a reduction of waste, and education surrounding the gruesome nature of the meat industry. My conscience simply couldn’t stand to not uphold those values, and quite honestly, I’m certain the rest of this progressive community feels the same.
With all of the aforementioned context in mind, I implore you all to open your hearts, and your minds, to what I’d endearingly like to call The Athenian Farm Plan. I find this name ideal, as it is easily transferable to the community meeting format, which I’m sure will yield a great outcry of student support and echoing calls for change.
What exactly is The Athenian Farm Plan, though? This: Athenian will commit to installing a decently sized farm complex on campus, including barns, fields for grazing, and a state-of-the-art slaughterhouse. Suggestions for specific locations would be much appreciated, as student input, of course, is always key. Beyond usage in accordance with The Plan, this farm complex already affords myriad benefits, and opportunities for capitalization, to the school.
A brief thought on those opportunities: It would be a new and unique feature of the school that surely would draw new students to apply and increase student retention during the Middle to Upper School transfer. Moreover, Athenian could exploit the addition in order to draw new types of students, especially those seeking to pursue unique career opportunities (but more on that in a bit).
Once this farm complex is installed, animals like cows, pigs, and possibly chickens would be introduced. Upkeep of said farm complex would fall to the student body, which introduces another enticing indirect benefit; this new responsibility would give students more experiential learning opportunities, which Athenian clearly values, and prepare them for future careers as farmworkers, if they so desire to lead such a life. Animal husbandry, anyone?
The actual execution of The Plan would begin on an appropriately deemed Monday in the coming months. Students of all grades would be excused from their first period classes (I’m aware that this could wreak a bit of havoc on the schedule, but honestly, it would give students a much-needed break from strenuous classwork and allow them to focus on their mental health, which Athenian has clearly articulated that it values) and they would come together at the newly installed farm complex.
Once there, students would be handed a weapon of some type, perhaps a knife or axe (specifics can be left for later), though I do find machetes particularly enticing, and instructed to select an animal that is to their liking. That animal would then be slaughtered; I suggest going straight for the neck, as that seems the easiest way to go about it. That freshly harvested meat would then be whisked away to the kitchens and prepared for that Monday’s lunch, appeasing all parties involved: ‘Meatless Monday’ certainly wouldn’t be meatless anymore, but awareness would still be raised on the brutality of the meat industry.
Moreover, it would give students the opportunity for more lunch personalization, through their selected animal, which would undoubtably ease some of the complaints about lack of lunch variety/options. After all, with knife (or machete!) in hand, the power is truly being handed back to the students. My only hope is that those appetites don’t go awry and a notably unliked member of the community is served up, though, democratization and empowerment always come with consequences, so who am I to condemn this?
The Plan itself would also place increased emphasis on experiential learning, as previously mentioned, and it would certainly set Athenian apart in the world of Independent Learning Institutions. After all, where else are students educated in methods of slaughter and primed for successful careers as Meat Plant employees and serial-killers?
Athenian may even go on to matriculate students that follow in the footsteps of household icons such as Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer, and Albert DeSalvo, all of whom successfully engaged in animal cruelty ‘crimes’ (in quotations because what is really so criminal about raising environmental awareness?) prior to their dedication to the art of mass murder.
So, what do you say, fellow students? Will you join me on this crusade for a new, and improved, Athenian? Will you join me as I usher in a new era of environmentalism and community building? Will you pick up a knife, and lure young women into your Volkswagen, alongside me and choose to spearhead this change, this taking back of control? After all, what’s so bad about a bit of spilt blood? We don’t seem to have any qualms when it isn’t on our hands anyway.
