Student Stress Reaches All-Time High: Admin Considers Unconventional Response (Satire)

During finals week, one of the most stressful times of year on Athenian’s campus, upper school students are afforded the privilege of stress-relieving puppy playtime, affectionately called “puppy therapy”. In recent years, however, “puppy therapy'' has evolved, no longer a crowd of adorable dogs for students to play with, but now just one or two rat-terriers, with foam coming out of their mouths and their scrawny legs trembling from the frigid 70 degree weather. 

With student mental health declining, and the dogs on death’s doorstep, the administration has decided to take a stand. In recent weeks, there have been countless administrative meetings regarding the implementation of de-stressing practices on campus, including, but not limited to, hot-rock massages in the main hall, facials in the nurse's office, and “nibble fish” pedicures in Courtside, which eat dead skin and relieve stress.

After receiving a lukewarm response from the student body following their “Just Sleep More” propaganda posters plastered around campus, the administration is taking a more aggressive approach to the epidemic of student stress. 

“Placing the onus back on students to regulate their stress levels just makes more sense, and makes our jobs a lot easier. With hot-rock massages available at all times, students will be able to take agency in their quest for a healthy school-life balance,” said an Athenian administrator who would prefer to remain anonymous.

It should be noted, however, that administrators will have priority in receiving the new stress-relieving commodities. 

“Well, students have a lot on their plates and probably don’t have much time for massages, so it only makes sense that these services not be available to them for the majority of the school year. We would never want it to impede upon their academic performance,” the administrator explained. 

It remains unclear how these new endeavors will affect morale around campus, but the general sentiment among administrators seems to be that students should start getting excited; after all, what’s more Athenian than an ineffectual and costly master plan with no student buy-in?